The Slieve Russell Hotel, Ballyconnell

I recently dined in the Slieve Russell Hotel, Ballyconnell. The occasion was Sunday lunch and I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, both the setting and the food.

 The Slieve Russell may be a four-star hotel, but it is a welcoming location. When one arrives one is not greeted by a uniformed retainer looking for one’s car keys. The building is fronted by a large fountain in which children were playing. Movement around the hotel for those who like my are confined to wheelchairs is easy. There are no lifts down dark corridors concealed by curtains. The atmosphere in the hotel is warm and bubbly. This comment extends to the dining area which is decorated by chandeliers and has an atmosphere that is at the same time lively and intimate. When I was there diners were entertained by a pianist, and while I am not a fan of piano music the fact that the music was not canned muzack added sparkle.

 I cannot speak highly enough about the food. I had for a starter a beautiful dish of grilled goat’s cheese served with a plum compote and garnished with salad leaves, baby tomatoes and walnuts. For a main course I opted for salmon served in a sancerre-flavoured sauce with Cajun-style roasted vegetables. The dish was as delicious on the plate as it sounded on the menu – a transformation by no means universal in four=star hotels. My desert was a selection of ice cream served in an edible wafer basket with chocolate sticks. The meal represented amazing value for money.

  I certainly will be back .

Cutbacks and kickbacks in Cavan?

Cavan: where money grows on trees?

 Along with the vast majority of people in Ireland I  though that we were going through one of the worst economic recessions ever. Cut-backs are the order of the day with hospitals being closed, teachers not being employed even where they are badly needed and a department of social warfare not even paying benefits they are statutorily obliged to. The world may be inching out of recession but we are still stuck in it, largely due to the errors of our rulers and their henchmen and women in senior levels of government.

 So the mood in Cavan town is certainly unusual. Money for the imminent bacchanalia or fleadh is growing on trees. There are the sums being given to the town’s publicans to tart up their tatty premises. The Cavan River, which has stank since W. Percy French’s time has been cleaned, and road markings have been repainted, yet the town is still an obstacle course for anyone in a wheelchair – but we don’t matter. Among the many rumours floating around is that the rendering plant at Monery, source of a stomach-turning stench in the summer, is to be closed for the week. But no matter how much gets spent on it Cavan town will remain a dump. You can put a whore into a Gucci dress, but look closely and you’ll still see the whore.

Something which is not a rumour is the diifficulty faced by people looking for essential documents like driving licences from Cavan County Council. They are told initially that there will be no problems and that the documents will wing their way in the post in the day or day following, yet days become weeks and still no documents. Inquiries are met by the response that the relevant ssction is experiencing “delaysa”. Are these delays caused by the redeployment of council staff to “fleadh” duty? If so someone should remind the executive cohort in Cavan County Council that their staff are employed by the state to carry out specific tasks related to the provision of services, and not for pronmoting a pissfest. I never realised that Cavan County Manager Whacko Jacko Keys was such a fan of traditional Irish music, though I have heard that, like so many other holier- than-thou officials in local government he is a true virtuoso on the fiddle.

 Now let me repeat that the fleadh, under the auspices of Cavan County Council, has become a money-printing exercise for Cavan’s publicans who have traditionally viewed traditional Irish music and its performers with contempt. Apart from venues like the Farnham Arms and the Hard Cock Café in Bridge St., better known as MacCauls, even the most gifted of traditional musicians were left in no doubt that they were unwelcome. But once the fleadh came, and with it the promise of some lolly, their conversion was greater than that of St Paul on the road to Damascus. Now I don’t like using ugly words like kickback, but I do hope these publicans are grateful and generous and that they will some part of their extra takings to those who have helped them, i.e. senior officials of Cavan County Council and others in the Department of Environment Local Government and Heritage (that’s a laugh!). Come on, it would only be fair.

Cavan fleadh aris

More and more people in Cavan are waking up to the reality that the forthcoming fleadh is just a profit maximisation scheme for the town’s publicans. Rumours abound that the the3se purveyors of ethanol intend to celebrate the fleadh by putting up the prices of drink. It is also expected that there will be numerous instances of people being short changed. This is easy if the punters are so befuddled with booze that they don’t know where they are. Let us also not overlook the presence of alcohol on sale, perhaps at inflated prices, on which excise duty has not been paid. Cavan town witnessed a raid by customs and excise officials in the not too distant past in which a number of premises were allegedly found to be selling this stuff. And let us not forget either the ubiquitous presence of “the bad pint”. I’ve heard that a whole car park is being set aside for the sale of food items. Will the Health and Safety authorities be policing these stalls to ensure that hygiene regulations are being adhe3red to? Or will they take their usual laissez fair attitude to these matters? Laissez faire can usually be translated into Cavanese as “Ah fuck it we can’t bother our arses”. There is an element of the old caveat emptor here. Their thinking is that anyone who will buy dodgy-looking burgers from dirty stalls crawling with flies and bluebottles, at ridiculous prices must be viewed as the architects of their own misfortune, or at least of their own diarrhoea. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

I’m not being funny here, and I’m certainly not laughing, and neither will any visitor to Cavan durin the fleadh once they come down with a nasty tummy bug.

The McCabe Clan Rally, August 8th 2010

This coming Sunday August 8^th, yours truly is speaking at the McCabe Clan Rally in the Slieve Russell Hotel, Ballyconnell, at around 3 pm, if they can get me out of the bar that is. The subject of my talk will be ”The McCabes in early 17^th century Cavan”. The whole affair promises to be fun-packed and entertaining; it will if I’m there.

 This will be something of a homecoming for me. t must be over ten years since I last spoke at the McCabe clan rally and so I am looking forward to resuming old friendships and making new ones. It is also important, as quite a lot of McCabe blood runs through my veins thanks for my mother.

I may actually publish extracts from my talk on this blog, so stay tuned.

Dr Brendan Scott’s public talk in a Cavan urinal or Ciaran’s joke of the day

Brendan and Jack were having a quiet drink when Brendan asks him.
“If you heard Jack that the world was going to end in fifteen minutes, what would you do?”
“Well in the time left I’d shag everything that moved I suppose. How about you Brendan. What would you do?”
“I’d try to stand perfectly still,” Brendan replies.

One more? Why not. What do a Rubik’s Cube and a prick have in common? The more you play with it the harder it gets.

 Now a bird never flew on one wing. Define egghead: What Mrs Dumpty givers Humpty.

What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

….. Sick or what?

News from the garden

Our gardens are a riot of produce at this time of the year. The peas we sowed are producing numerous pods. It is a dwarf variety from Italian seedsmen Franchi, called “Piccolo Provenzale”. The individual peas are both sweet and nutty.

 Our French beans are also producing a bountiful crop. Amongst the varieties we sowed was a purple-podded variety from Unwins. They may not have a vast range of exotic vegetables, but their seeds are universally top class.

 Rosie has attempted to emulate the growing practices of the Mexican Indians, by growing runner beans among sweet corn, whose tall shaft supplies support for the beans. She is having marvellous success with this so far. The variety of runner bean she is growing, from Thompson and Morgan, is called “Teeny beany”, while the sweet corn is a new variety from T&M called “Rising Sun”. It was bred with colder climates in mind, and our success with it has only been phenomenal.

 In our Cavan garden Rosie has enjoyed great success with some cherry yellow tomato plants she was given. Already we are enjoying small, bright yellow globes of sweetness and flavour that are just right for salads and sandwiches.

 Bringing on a plant from seed to harvest is a most satisfying experience. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is self-transcending.

Royal visit to Ballyjamesduff

Many people in Ireland have longed for an opportunity to express their long-suppressed loyalty to the British Crown. They have watched, almost with baited breaths, at such moments of joy as the silver and golden jubilee and various royal weddings, not to mention those episodes of incredible pathos and heartbreak as the funeral of Princess Diana. However, now with the advent of the visit by Her Majesty to Ireland, Irish people of all creeds will be able to cheer with gusto as they exclaim “God Bless you Queen Elizabeth!”

 For too long our two countries have been divided by antagonisms which have often been mischievously amplified by people in Ireland. The forthcoming royal visit is an opportunity to turn the swords of the past into the ploughshares of the present and the scythes of the future, with which future generations can reap a bountiful harvest of goodwill and renewed dependency on our bigger neighbour.

 Those in Cavan will be especially pleased to hear that their local authority, Cavan County Council, had been working flat out behind the4 scenes to see to it that The Queen visited “The Lakeland County” and that she is given, along with the Duke of Edinburgh, an opportunity to fulfil a long-held ambition.

 It is not generally known but Queen Elizabeth had planned to make a visit to Cavan County Museum during her visit. Both she and Prince Philip were anxious to look at the museum’s unique collection of Gaelic football boots and assorted Cavan GAA memorabilia. A source close to the royal family has stated that each time anyone mentions the memorable victory of Cavan over Kerry in New York’s Polo Grounds her mind goes back to the year 1947 and the royal wedding of that year.

 It has now emerged that her visit to the museum has had to be cancelled because of an old problem in the museum: the lavatories. In spite of having a plumber’s son on staff for a number of years the museum’s toilets have a nasty habit of exploding for no reason and shooting their contents over a wide area.  It was thought this was caused by attempts to flush down diapers, tampons used condoms and certainly the problem seemed to have been resolved by a number of low-key redundancies disguised as budget cuts. Unfortunately the overflowing lavatories have returned with a vengeance, with fateful results.  

 A County Council engineer explained.

 “It would be the very day her Majesty would be comin’ that the hoors would blow up again like yan Icelandic volcano, an’ ya can get the whiff of the shite for miles an’ miles. I wouldn’t be surprised if ya got it up in a ‘plane. An’ when that happens the last thing ya want is t’ have the quain of England cuntin’ around lookin’ to go to the jacks.”

 Some in Cavan had hoped that The Queen, given her interest in Gaelic Games, would have an opportunity to present the Anglo-Celt cup to a successful Cavan team, but this can’t happen now after the Cavan team threw up their arses down in Cork last weekend – four shagging points; Jesus the North Koreans would have done better.

 Anglo Celt and The Beano please copy

Cavan’s fleadh

The fleadh taking place in Cavan town will be a great showcase for traditional musicians to display their skills and also to learn from each other. It will also be a spectacular opportunity for the general public to enjoy one of the most important and irreplaceable aspects f our national character. It is such a pity that the disabled are being locked out of taking part.

 Some historical talks have been organised to accompany the fleadh. They are to be given by Dr Jonathan Cherry (a good friend) and the multi-talented Dr Brendan Scott. Both these speakers are, thank God, able bodied. There has been no invitation to the wheelchair-bound and partially sighted Dr Ciaran Parker, who has written about all aspects of the history of Cavan town. But honestly, the sight of him in his wheelchair speaking without notes would not set the right tone at an even which obviously sets so much store by physical perfection.

 The reason why I haven’t been asked to speak is puzzling. Last February I was asked to lead a walking tour of Cavan town by Catriona O’Reilly, the County f Arts Officer, and a member of the fleadh’s organising committee. This was in conjunction with a festival taking place in Cavan town at the time. I naturally agreed, but I was unable to lead the tour because of a freak snowstorm that led to the cancellation of most other events. I was assured that the event would be rescheduled for a later date. A fee had been mentioned, but I wasn’t doing it for the money. Had that been now I know full well Dr Scott would have been invited instead. A snowfall wouldn’t affect him as he can walk on water – he certainly shows no problem walking through the shit he causes. And as for payment, it is only natural that in a time of budgetary constraints the council should ensure that all monies stay within the broader County Council family of employees, members and theitr families.

 Another puzzling aspect is why I was approached by a local writer associated with the fleadh. He sought historical advice and information for a number of short plays he had been commissioned to write for the aforementioned fleadh.   It seems a bit unfair to pump someone for information whom they were going to snub And whose very name was not to be mentioned.. Why didn’t he go to Dr Scott for his intelligence? No doubt because he or his friends knew he’d be disappointed.  I write this so that people attending the fleadh will no what a miserable crowd of back-stabbing, lying cheats have organised it.

Cavan farmers’ market

Being able to eat fresh produce is very important. Fruit and vegetables may look fresh, but how long is it since they were taken from the ground? How do we know what harmful chemicals have been used in their cultivation, or to aid their longevity? During the months of summer there is no excuse for us not buying the freshest available3, as these are available at farmers’ markets. This phenomenon has really taken off in Ireland, helped by the endorsement of food writers and celebrity chefs.

Cavan town is the latest venue for a farmers’ market, held under the auspices of the town council. It appears that spaces and marquees and other defences against our inclement weather are to be provided by the council, but at a cost. The figure4 has not been finalised, but are those who attend the market aware that any personal details, even as insignificant as a name, address, or vehicle registration that they give to the council (or that they council might otherwise acquire) may be handed over to the Revenue Commissioners?

A message for Dr Brendan Scott, Mr Jack Keys and to all others to whom it may concern

Here is a short message for Dr Brendan Scott and his adoring fans, his patron and protector Whacko Jacko Keys and the others who organised talks in association with the forthcoming fleadh in cCvan. It is taken from the lyrics of the inimitable Marshall Bruce Matheers III, aka Eminem:

YOUL’LL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS SHIT